Month: November 2019

Posted on

Sharing your grief

I recently did a series on caring for others. This has prompted a long-term series on caring for yourself in the midst of grief. Grief can mean experiencing loss, but it can also mean anticipating or perceiving a loss. It could be a difficult diagnosis. There are many ways in which we experience the emotions of grief. My plan is to write as topics present themselves, so there is no set timeline on when these articles will be written.

The first topic I wanted to explore is sharing the information. I want to stress that your grief is your story, and only you decide who is welcome to know it… and when. There are some social constructs and there are some guides on this in terms of self-care, but in the end it is your story.

  1. Social media doesn’t have to know. Unless you need to use social media as a platform to raise funds, which sometimes happens, you don’t have to post anything there. I actually encourage people not to do it right away. Why? Social media invites conversation with anyone who sees the post. You deserve to have information and input from those who have expertise in the topic and people who will put your best interest first. Social media sometimes invites Dr. Google, Dr. Web M.D, Dr. Monday Morning – Quarterback, and a whole host of others who are not licensed to practice.
  2. Start with your inner circle. These are the people who are family or like family to you. These are the people who put your interests first. These are the people who want to hear from you personally, and you want to hear their voices while you go through “all the feels.” Telling them personally deepens your relationship at a time when relationship and feeling of being connected is so important.
  3. Trusted professionals. Google has lots of information out there – lots. Not all of it is reliable information. Speak with a professional in the field to know where the credible sources are instead of researching it on your own. If you must search, please know that sites with .edu and .gov are recommended places to start for trusted information. I have been tempted by the siren song of Google before, and my doctor has had to take the first few minutes of our appointment untangling the misinformation I received first. I highly recommend starting with the professionals first and avoiding the call of the siren.
  4. Take time for yourself. Our first reaction is generally, “I’m fine,” or “I’ll be fine.” Yes, you will be fine, but it’s okay not to be okay right now. This is why we are with professionals and our trusted inner circle. We don’t have to put on a mask, and we can just let the waves of feelings come at us. Pretending to be something we’re not (or feeling something we’re not) is exhausting, and it saps us of the strength we need to face what comes next. I have sent emails and text messages to let people know I have to break plans with them, and I briefly say why. I want them to know I’m not blowing them off, but I have something going on that requires some self-care and it’s important that I do it right now. Could I have gone to that meeting, class, or workshop? Sure. Right now, though, I need me time, and that’s okay.

    Remember, even on airplanes, we are reminded to put on our own oxygen masks before assisting others.
  5. Making it public. When you’re ready, go ahead and make it public – this also includes updates. When your inner circle knows, when you have plans in place, when you have solid information behind you – go ahead it make it known to others what is happening in your life. Most people will be supportive. Some will offer advice in that desire to be supportive, but you will be able to parcel what is good, unhelpful, and something to ask at your next appointment now.

#selfcare #grief #petloss

Posted on

What (not) to say

When we find out someone near us has lost someone close, there’s a natural tendency to want to do something. It’s just hard to know what to do or what to say. If you’re like me, you want to be supportive, show love, and show you care without making it harder on the person in front of you. There are lots of lists out there about what to say (or not say), but these are some of tried-and-true for me:

Do:

  1. Say as little as possible. It’s hard to sit in silence, but don’t try to fill it up. Allow breathing room to happen, and remember the person in front of you is the one who needs to share. This doesn’t mean you should avoid talking altogether – it means avoid being the one who does all the talking.
  2. Ask if the person wants your presence. That person has had very little say over significant events in life recently, and being able to say yes or no to anything (and have it honored) is something you can give. If the person asks you to leave, let them know it’s okay to call upon you later.
  3. Ask from time to time how they are doing… and then listen for the answer. It doesn’t have to be every day, but every so often, ask how the person is doing. You can even make a note in your calendar to ask about it on dates that are important to that person, like an anniversary. Also make time to hear the answer. If you’re dashing off to soccer practice or a meeting, it’s probably not a great time to ask.
  4. Do say something. People who are grieving understand it’s hard to know what to say, but sometimes they are avoided because of this. It creates isolation during an already isolating event. It’s okay to send a card instead of walking up and having a conversation if you’re not comfortable with talking. It’s okay to say, “I have no idea what to say, but I’m thinking of you in this difficult time.” It’s a way of communicating, “I know you’re in pain; I see it; I’m sorry for it.”

Don’t:

  1. Don’t say “I know how you feel.” Even if you have been through the exact same thing, your journey and experiences are not the same as the person in front of you. Each connection and loss should feel as unique as they truly are. Instead, opt for statements such as, “I can only imagine how you feel,” “I can’t imagine what you’re going through right now,” or “I’ve been through something similar, and I remember how much it (insert emotion).” These comments allow for connection but honor that something precious and unique has occurred in this person’s life.
  2. Don’t say “God called him home.” Unless you are intimately familiar with someone’s religion, do not bring it up. The understanding of a religion is vastly different between denominations and sects. In Christianity, what at Roman Catholic believes can be vastly different from what a United Methodist believes. We are comforting the grieving by meeting them where they are – not by what gives us comfort. I am not saying you should completely disregard religion. Religious traditions often provide deep sources of comfort. What I am imploring is a use of religion that meets the grieving where they are and in a way that provides comfort to them. If you are unsure, ask. Ask the person if their spiritual practices provide any source of comfort to them, and then ask what that comfort is.
  3. Don’t say “He’s in a better place.” To the grieving, no place could possibly be better than with them. People have told me me, while they understand why people say it, how could anything be better than their pet being comforted in their own arms? For some, in the depths of their grief, it feels like their love wasn’t deep enough – they hear it as a way they failed their pet.
  4. Don’t ask about getting another pet. If the grieving person wants to talk about this topic, that’s okay. However, pets are not replaceable anymore than a parent or child can be replaced. I once had someone say, “How could they even ask that? It’s not like my dog is an Oreo cookie. I can’t just go and get another box.” The people with whom I work feel deeply that there is a deep connection that is unique, and nothing will replace that. If/When the time is right, they will open their hearts to a new connection of love, but it will not be a replacement.

This is the hardest article to write, and it’s taken the most time. The reason is this: there is no magic approach. Grieving is unique to the individuals involved, and it changes every time. What I’ve written here are generalizations – they are not hard-fast truths. You may know their grieving’s religious practices and beliefs, and know saying one thing will be more helpful than another. You may know something about the history of the situation that would alter what you say. That’s okay too.

The most important part of it all – an expression that you care enough to show you recognize how deep the love (and therefore, loss) goes.

#griefcare #petloss

Posted on

Helping Children

It’s hard to know what to do or say when children lose a pet. Whether the child is your own, a member of your family, or part of an extended network of caring, there is a desire to protect children from pain and protect their innocence. However, grief comes to all of us, and it is usually one of our earliest memories because of the power of this emotion. Here are some suggestions on supporting children of any age:

  • Children understand grief and loss differently as they age. Keep in mind that experiencing loss before does not mean that your child understands how to navigate loss now. This site breaks down developmental understandings by age range along with common reactions to loss at that age.
  • Children may inquire in spurts. Especially in the earlier years, children may create and ask questions with long spaces of time in between. This is common as new experiences may trigger memories. I once had a client who thought her child had gone through the grieving process and understood the pet was gone, but on Christmas morning the child asked if the pet could come home now. It took her by surprise that the question came up months after losing their pet.
  • Family traditions about the afterlife – Many families have a belief in the afterlife that brings comfort after a loss, and I encourage you to have those discussions. If you are part of a religious tradition, speak with your religious leader about being a part of the discussion and assisting your family.
  • Speak with your child’s teacher/day care provider – Children love to share, and they will most likely share important events with those around them. Peers can be amazing support for children who are struggling to create meaning around loss. Teachers and day care providers are also trained to understand any possible behavior changes that may arise from loss (see the first bullet point) – letting them know in advance creates a culture of compassion during this time of grief.
  • Don’t be afraid to model grief – I often hear people say that they “want to be strong” for the children in their lives, and that usually translates into not wanting to show any emotion. Instead, I encourage people to express their grief as appropriate in front of children. They look to us as models on how to interact with the world; modeling what grief looks like and how to work through it is a gift we give children in how to experience loss of many kinds.
  • Take time to grieve for yourself – While I do encourage modeling, there may be a time when you want to just feel and react to your grief without witness. It’s okay to take time off and take care of yourself. Reach out to others in your circle to help watch your children while you attend a group grief care session, have a session with a behavioral health provider, go to the beach, or whatever you may need to do in order to care for yourself. As they say on airlines, be sure to put your mask on before assisting others.

There are lots of books and resources out there. This link to PBS’ Sesame Streetpage about grief is a recommended resource. I would also encourage a notebook where you and your child(ren) can write down stories, draw pictures, and memorialize your pet. It is a way to not only spend time together but also process the grief together.

#petloss #grief #bereavement #children