It’s hard to know what to do or say when children lose a pet. Whether the child is your own, a member of your family, or part of an extended network of caring, there is a desire to protect children from pain and protect their innocence. However, grief comes to all of us, and it is usually one of our earliest memories because of the power of this emotion. Here are some suggestions on supporting children of any age:
- Children understand grief and loss differently as they age. Keep in mind that experiencing loss before does not mean that your child understands how to navigate loss now. This site breaks down developmental understandings by age range along with common reactions to loss at that age.
- Children may inquire in spurts. Especially in the earlier years, children may create and ask questions with long spaces of time in between. This is common as new experiences may trigger memories. I once had a client who thought her child had gone through the grieving process and understood the pet was gone, but on Christmas morning the child asked if the pet could come home now. It took her by surprise that the question came up months after losing their pet.
- Family traditions about the afterlife – Many families have a belief in the afterlife that brings comfort after a loss, and I encourage you to have those discussions. If you are part of a religious tradition, speak with your religious leader about being a part of the discussion and assisting your family.
- Speak with your child’s teacher/day care provider – Children love to share, and they will most likely share important events with those around them. Peers can be amazing support for children who are struggling to create meaning around loss. Teachers and day care providers are also trained to understand any possible behavior changes that may arise from loss (see the first bullet point) – letting them know in advance creates a culture of compassion during this time of grief.
- Don’t be afraid to model grief – I often hear people say that they “want to be strong” for the children in their lives, and that usually translates into not wanting to show any emotion. Instead, I encourage people to express their grief as appropriate in front of children. They look to us as models on how to interact with the world; modeling what grief looks like and how to work through it is a gift we give children in how to experience loss of many kinds.
- Take time to grieve for yourself – While I do encourage modeling, there may be a time when you want to just feel and react to your grief without witness. It’s okay to take time off and take care of yourself. Reach out to others in your circle to help watch your children while you attend a group grief care session, have a session with a behavioral health provider, go to the beach, or whatever you may need to do in order to care for yourself. As they say on airlines, be sure to put your mask on before assisting others.
There are lots of books and resources out there. This link to PBS’ Sesame Streetpage about grief is a recommended resource. I would also encourage a notebook where you and your child(ren) can write down stories, draw pictures, and memorialize your pet. It is a way to not only spend time together but also process the grief together.
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