When we find out someone near us has lost someone close, there’s a natural tendency to want to do something. It’s just hard to know what to do or what to say. If you’re like me, you want to be supportive, show love, and show you care without making it harder on the person in front of you. There are lots of lists out there about what to say (or not say), but these are some of tried-and-true for me:
Do:
- Say as little as possible. It’s hard to sit in silence, but don’t try to fill it up. Allow breathing room to happen, and remember the person in front of you is the one who needs to share. This doesn’t mean you should avoid talking altogether – it means avoid being the one who does all the talking.
- Ask if the person wants your presence. That person has had very little say over significant events in life recently, and being able to say yes or no to anything (and have it honored) is something you can give. If the person asks you to leave, let them know it’s okay to call upon you later.
- Ask from time to time how they are doing… and then listen for the answer. It doesn’t have to be every day, but every so often, ask how the person is doing. You can even make a note in your calendar to ask about it on dates that are important to that person, like an anniversary. Also make time to hear the answer. If you’re dashing off to soccer practice or a meeting, it’s probably not a great time to ask.
- Do say something. People who are grieving understand it’s hard to know what to say, but sometimes they are avoided because of this. It creates isolation during an already isolating event. It’s okay to send a card instead of walking up and having a conversation if you’re not comfortable with talking. It’s okay to say, “I have no idea what to say, but I’m thinking of you in this difficult time.” It’s a way of communicating, “I know you’re in pain; I see it; I’m sorry for it.”
Don’t:
- Don’t say “I know how you feel.” Even if you have been through the exact same thing, your journey and experiences are not the same as the person in front of you. Each connection and loss should feel as unique as they truly are. Instead, opt for statements such as, “I can only imagine how you feel,” “I can’t imagine what you’re going through right now,” or “I’ve been through something similar, and I remember how much it (insert emotion).” These comments allow for connection but honor that something precious and unique has occurred in this person’s life.
- Don’t say “God called him home.” Unless you are intimately familiar with someone’s religion, do not bring it up. The understanding of a religion is vastly different between denominations and sects. In Christianity, what at Roman Catholic believes can be vastly different from what a United Methodist believes. We are comforting the grieving by meeting them where they are – not by what gives us comfort. I am not saying you should completely disregard religion. Religious traditions often provide deep sources of comfort. What I am imploring is a use of religion that meets the grieving where they are and in a way that provides comfort to them. If you are unsure, ask. Ask the person if their spiritual practices provide any source of comfort to them, and then ask what that comfort is.
- Don’t say “He’s in a better place.” To the grieving, no place could possibly be better than with them. People have told me me, while they understand why people say it, how could anything be better than their pet being comforted in their own arms? For some, in the depths of their grief, it feels like their love wasn’t deep enough – they hear it as a way they failed their pet.
- Don’t ask about getting another pet. If the grieving person wants to talk about this topic, that’s okay. However, pets are not replaceable anymore than a parent or child can be replaced. I once had someone say, “How could they even ask that? It’s not like my dog is an Oreo cookie. I can’t just go and get another box.” The people with whom I work feel deeply that there is a deep connection that is unique, and nothing will replace that. If/When the time is right, they will open their hearts to a new connection of love, but it will not be a replacement.
This is the hardest article to write, and it’s taken the most time. The reason is this: there is no magic approach. Grieving is unique to the individuals involved, and it changes every time. What I’ve written here are generalizations – they are not hard-fast truths. You may know their grieving’s religious practices and beliefs, and know saying one thing will be more helpful than another. You may know something about the history of the situation that would alter what you say. That’s okay too.
The most important part of it all – an expression that you care enough to show you recognize how deep the love (and therefore, loss) goes.
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