I recently did a series on caring for others. This has prompted a long-term series on caring for yourself in the midst of grief. Grief can mean experiencing loss, but it can also mean anticipating or perceiving a loss. It could be a difficult diagnosis. There are many ways in which we experience the emotions of grief. My plan is to write as topics present themselves, so there is no set timeline on when these articles will be written.
The first topic I wanted to explore is sharing the information. I want to stress that your grief is your story, and only you decide who is welcome to know it… and when. There are some social constructs and there are some guides on this in terms of self-care, but in the end it is your story.
- Social media doesn’t have to know. Unless you need to use social media as a platform to raise funds, which sometimes happens, you don’t have to post anything there. I actually encourage people not to do it right away. Why? Social media invites conversation with anyone who sees the post. You deserve to have information and input from those who have expertise in the topic and people who will put your best interest first. Social media sometimes invites Dr. Google, Dr. Web M.D, Dr. Monday Morning – Quarterback, and a whole host of others who are not licensed to practice.
- Start with your inner circle. These are the people who are family or like family to you. These are the people who put your interests first. These are the people who want to hear from you personally, and you want to hear their voices while you go through “all the feels.” Telling them personally deepens your relationship at a time when relationship and feeling of being connected is so important.
- Trusted professionals. Google has lots of information out there – lots. Not all of it is reliable information. Speak with a professional in the field to know where the credible sources are instead of researching it on your own. If you must search, please know that sites with .edu and .gov are recommended places to start for trusted information. I have been tempted by the siren song of Google before, and my doctor has had to take the first few minutes of our appointment untangling the misinformation I received first. I highly recommend starting with the professionals first and avoiding the call of the siren.
- Take time for yourself. Our first reaction is generally, “I’m fine,” or “I’ll be fine.” Yes, you will be fine, but it’s okay not to be okay right now. This is why we are with professionals and our trusted inner circle. We don’t have to put on a mask, and we can just let the waves of feelings come at us. Pretending to be something we’re not (or feeling something we’re not) is exhausting, and it saps us of the strength we need to face what comes next. I have sent emails and text messages to let people know I have to break plans with them, and I briefly say why. I want them to know I’m not blowing them off, but I have something going on that requires some self-care and it’s important that I do it right now. Could I have gone to that meeting, class, or workshop? Sure. Right now, though, I need me time, and that’s okay.
Remember, even on airplanes, we are reminded to put on our own oxygen masks before assisting others. - Making it public. When you’re ready, go ahead and make it public – this also includes updates. When your inner circle knows, when you have plans in place, when you have solid information behind you – go ahead it make it known to others what is happening in your life. Most people will be supportive. Some will offer advice in that desire to be supportive, but you will be able to parcel what is good, unhelpful, and something to ask at your next appointment now.
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