I was thinking of the show “Kids Say the Darndest Things.” If you’re not familiar with the premise, the show’s host will talk to kids in a talkshow format, and you just wait for the child’s response. It’s usually quite humorous with a ring of truth that only a child could say.
Grief is a little like that – there are responses to words or situations that only we understand. Perhaps, only another in grief could understand. I recently experienced my own loss, and I also had my own “darndest moment.” I was getting my nails done when I flipped open the case on my phone to change the music. There was a strand of my dog’s fur on it. Without a thought, I blew on my phone to remove the fur and it flittered on to the table a short distance away. I stared at it and immediately regretted blowing it away. Lots of thoughts ran through my mind, but I couldn’t bear the thought that someone would wipe it away to clean the table and not understand the life that was attached in the growth of that one strand. I picked up, placed it back on my phone and began to cry while my nails were painted.
This will happen, and it’s okay. I let the people around me know that I had lost someone in my family recently, and I just had a memory pop up, but I was fine. I didn’t need to tell them more than that, and I didn’t want to be more vulnerable than that. I wasn’t driving at the time, but I have had moments where I need to pull over and let the emotions be recognized.
I’ve had people tell me that they feel stupid or dumb for these little things causing tears or intense grief to wash over. I want you to know it’s neither of these things, nor is it a negative thing to have happen. It’s the little things that make a relationship different from the other ones in your life. I only allow my dogs to lick my face – humans not permitted. Only my husband gets some of my jokes. Only a few friends get my love of food from Wisconsin. These are the things that make our connections unique, and the loss of them are worthy of note. They are worthy of the tears we shed. Other people do not have to be included into the weight of that unless we permit.
So, if you find yourself opening a can, watching a movie, or having your nails done and feel grief come up, please know you are not alone. It’s not silly – it’s a testament to the individuality of your relationship.
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