Month: December 2022

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Entering the New Year with intention

There will be many firsts after losing a pet; one of those is crossing into the new year without them. How do we honor what has been, all while looking forward to what can be?

First, where you are is right where you need to be. So, where are you? Are you ready for a new pet or are you trying to soothe a spot that hurts? If the first, go ahead. If the latter, sit with this feeling a little longer. It’s okay to feel the pain. Honestly, it’s okay to feel whatever you’re feeling right now – it’s what makes you human, this huge array of overlapping emotions.

I would add to this – are you ready for change? Some people I’ve supported were not ready for change for quite some time. They just needed to feel what was happening now instead of making changes. I actually applaud this – it’s knowing who you are and what you need, with no apology necessary. If you feel ready for change… read on!

Where do you want to be? Don’t be vague with answers such as “I want to feel better.” What is better? How will you know you are? I would even go so far as to suggest making it a positive intention. “I want to smile at some point every day,” is stronger and healthier than “I want to cry less.” It’s leaning into where you want to go instead of leaning away instead of focusing on preventing a feeling – it’s like building instead of taking away.

Set reminders in your calendar and your phone. Surprisingly, this can really help reflect on where you’ve been and where you’re going. Think you’re ready for a new pet but want to give it a little while? Put a note in for 2-6 months from now saying “How do I feel about another pet today?” Thinking about giving away items like beds and toys? “Do I feel ready to part with [pet’s] items?”

Why do this? When we write things down, our brains don’t have to work so hard to remember them. (Think about how many phone numbers you used to know by memory and how many you know now!) This gives our brains some rest – knowing the question will come around again in due time.

Whatever you chose to do – do it with the intention of healing. Do it because it honors your pet. Do it because it connects you with others. Do it because it ignites a flame/light within you. That flame never really went out – it conserved energy for when the time is right to glow bright again.

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Why do the holidays seem so hard?

I’ve worked with several people for 3 years+, and while most of the time they believe they have can manage their grief, the holidays seem really difficult. They wonder if they are going “backwards” or starting from square one again.

I like to think of it as the gap between the academic years in school. Remember every September when you went back to school, and you’d sit in class thinking, “I know I learned this, but I can’t remember it.”? The teacher would backtrack a little, offer a reminder, and then the class would start to build on from that.

Holiday grief is a little like summer break and the . It’s a time of year that is relatively short but distinct from the rest of the year. For most of the year, we have an opportunity to learn about our loss and grief. We build day-by-day upon the lessons from the previous days and weeks. We learn how to manage without our loved one and make meaning in our lives. Then the holidays show up and last about 50 days. The sights, sounds, and smells are different from the rest of the year. We see trees, candles, and lights on houses. We smell pine and special baked goods handed down through generations. Even the songs we hear on the radio and in stores are different – for better or worse. We are suddenly transported back to a time when our loved one was near… and there’s limited time to navigate this differently marked grief before returning to ordinary life.

There is nothing wrong with you. You are not losing your mind. You are having a very normal and human response to grief. This is the time to find a support group and reach out to friends. Share your story and your longing. Your grief is normal and understandable and still deserves to be honored.

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Don’t minimize your love

“This might sound silly, but…”
“I know it’s stupid, but…”
“I don’t know if this is normal, but…”

Most of the time, minimization starts with a put down and goes into a “but.” I hear this often with clients. They even apologize for crying. It’s a typical reaction, but why has this become part of our cultural norm?

I think it’s because we’re already hurting, and we want to protect ourselves from further harm. If I say my emotions are silly, it won’t hurt so much if someone else says it or confirms that feeling. Right? If I apologize for crying, the person near me might not feel so uncomfortable and possibly leave me all alone in this pain.

Stop apologizing. Stop minimizing.

Our emotions are an important part of our humanity. Everyone, and I do mean everyone, experiences grief. It’s a deep expression of how much love permeated this life. Have you ever seen the ground after a plant or tree has been removed? When a plant is removed, like a single flower, the ground is upturned and clearly disturbed. When a tree is removed, the root system is pulled through the earth from great depths, and it looks like a scar that could never possibly heal. The deeper the root system, the more the absence is noted – the deeper the love connection, the more the grief may be felt.

But, much like the scar of removing a tree, healing does come. One of the healing methods that helps is the rain that falls. It softens the ground so the healing properties may ignite. Our tears are the rain of our soul. We need them to tend our inner garden. It ignites parts of our brain we know and are still trying to understand. It’s cathartic. You will not drown in it.

So, stop apologizing for being human. Stop minimizing a love that meant so much to you. If others don’t understand what it’s like to be loved by an animal, they are the ones who have missed out. Find others who do understand. A love like that deserves to be felt fully.