Month: January 2023

“I’m fine.”
“It doesn’t really bother me.”
“It’s not that big of a deal.”

This is what we say to others when they ask how we’re doing or bring up some aspect of our grief. There are as many reasons why we do this as there are available names for a baby (that’s a lot of reasons).

It could be that we’re conditioned to say we’re fine. “Pull yourself up by your bootstraps”, and “don’t be a burden to others” is very much ingrained in the American culture. We could also be trying to politely tell people we don’t want to get into the topic without actually saying it. We could be trying to convince ourselves that it really isn’t that big, or minimizing so it doesn’t hurt so bad if others tell us there are bigger worries out there.

There are things we choose to share with others, and it depends on the relationship we have with them, including trust level. No matter what you choose to share with others – tell yourself the truth. No one can find what they are looking for or need if they are surrounded only by lies and half-truths. If you hurt, acknowledge it. If you feel lost, acknowledge it. If you’re not fine, it’s okay to say so.

Your feelings are your own. No one gets to claim and name them but you. So, why not be honest with yourself. It’s the most straightforward path to knowing what you need for support. Sit in your car and talk it out. Cry in the shower. Write in a journal. Join a support group. Find a space where you can be honest with yourself, and see where it can take you.

I recently watched one of my favorite series. I went all the way back to the pilot. I was so excited to be reunited with my favorite characters as they were figuring out who they were and where they were going. Everything was going great until they started making jokes. They must have been funny at the time; I remember laughing so hard in that first season – I kept watching throughout the series!

What changed? Well, I changed and society changed. The jokes made on the show were at someone’s expense in a way that is now out of step with cultural values. I also know so much more about myself, others, and how hurtful words can be. I’ve been the subject of jokes about who I am in a way that cut me to the quick. When I first watched that show, I didn’t know what I didn’t know. I don’t beat myself up over laughing back then, but I acknowledge it’s no longer funny.

Our grief is kind of like watching that pilot episode and reflecting back on memories. Many people look back to wonder what they did wrong, if the could have prevented the loss. While this is a normal response to loss and hurt, I’ve talked with many people who blame themselves for not knowing what they didn’t know. “If I had known this was a symptom of… I would have done…” Some take it a step further and turn that into negative self-talk and use it to measure their value as a person.

I encourage you to go back to a show or movie you loved 10, 20, heck 50 years ago. What do you notice about it now? What do you learn about how you’ve grown and how you’ve stayed the same. Now, apply that to your loss. You don’t have to go all in at once – start small. What did your pet teach you about love and joy? How far would you go for someone you love? What did you learn about routine and putting another’s needs first? Start there and see where it takes you. I am willing to bet you learned a lot along the way. Let go of what you didn’t know at the time, and be amazed at who you have become along the way. The you that you are becoming is beautiful.