Most people start a grief journey with a kaleidoscope of emotions and worry about where to start. Maybe it’s an American thing that we want to do things “right,” and that includes how we grieve, so we worry about grieving correctly. I’m gonna stop you here and say you cannot do this wrong. I have only 2 rules: You cannot harm yourself, and you cannot harm others. Everything after that is how you get through and survive this moment.
So, let’s talk about that. You have survival guides built right into you. You have been surviving many things in your life. Bullies on the playground. That teacher that just didn’t get you. That melted thing on cafeteria pizza that’s supposed to be cheese, but I’m pretty sure we made in science class one time. A boss that we no longer speak about. This time I’m going to ask how you survived a breakup. It doesn’t have to be a romantic relationship; it could be a business or platonic relationship. It could be unrequited love. Any relationship over the course of your life will work.
What did you do over 12 months after that relationship ended? I spent a lot of time with two men from Vermont named Ben & Jerry – they have a little ice cream business you may have heard about. I ran a 5k. I got mad and worked my way into a revenge dress for an event just like Princess Diana. I also sat with friends and cried it out. I’ve done so many things in my journey of loss in these relationships.
3 types of helping: encounter, numb, and survive
When it came to losing my first pet, Beth, I leaned back into what helped me. Throughout my many journeys around our celestial star, I’ve learned what helps encounter, what numbs, and what helps me survive the day. They each have a place in my life. Ice cream and pizza help me numb the pain – they are moments of comfort, and they make bearable what is overwhelming . Pretending it isn’t happening helps me survive work when I have a job to do, or even when I’d driving because I need to be safe on the road. Talking with a therapist helps me encounter and be present in my very human experience.
When I’ve worked with people to make the connection to past losses, they started to see patterns they have used over the years. Sometimes those patterns worked, and we leaned into them. Sometimes the patterns weren’t as helpful, so we looked at how to avoid the same path a forge new ones. Nothing was lost, wrong, or invaluable – quite the opposite. It provided insight into where the person has been, where they might be now, and hope for the future.
Take a look at what you’ve experienced with past losses. You’ve survived them because you are here reading this message today! You just might be stronger than you think possible at this moment.
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