Category: Self-care

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Grief care for the veterinary professional

I am so honored to speak with Dr. Katie Berlin, the host of Central Line, about pet loss and grief care from within the veterinary industry. Dr. Berlin is part of AAHA – the American Animal Hospital Association, an industry leader in education and so much more.

In this episode we talk a little about my origin story into grief care, but we spend most of the time talking about how vet med can better care for its own. This includes providing bereavement, allowing people to grieve their own way, communicating love languages, and protecting the tender places of our hearts in a profession of caring.

While the information in this podcast is geared towards those in the industry, the techniques for self-care can be used by anyone, regardless of profession.

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Learning from past relationships for today’s loss

Most people start a grief journey with a kaleidoscope of emotions and worry about where to start. Maybe it’s an American thing that we want to do things “right,” and that includes how we grieve, so we worry about grieving correctly. I’m gonna stop you here and say you cannot do this wrong. I have only 2 rules: You cannot harm yourself, and you cannot harm others. Everything after that is how you get through and survive this moment.

So, let’s talk about that. You have survival guides built right into you. You have been surviving many things in your life. Bullies on the playground. That teacher that just didn’t get you. That melted thing on cafeteria pizza that’s supposed to be cheese, but I’m pretty sure we made in science class one time. A boss that we no longer speak about. This time I’m going to ask how you survived a breakup. It doesn’t have to be a romantic relationship; it could be a business or platonic relationship. It could be unrequited love. Any relationship over the course of your life will work.

What did you do over 12 months after that relationship ended? I spent a lot of time with two men from Vermont named Ben & Jerry – they have a little ice cream business you may have heard about. I ran a 5k. I got mad and worked my way into a revenge dress for an event just like Princess Diana. I also sat with friends and cried it out. I’ve done so many things in my journey of loss in these relationships.

3 types of helping: encounter, numb, and survive

When it came to losing my first pet, Beth, I leaned back into what helped me. Throughout my many journeys around our celestial star, I’ve learned what helps encounter, what numbs, and what helps me survive the day. They each have a place in my life. Ice cream and pizza help me numb the pain – they are moments of comfort, and they make bearable what is overwhelming . Pretending it isn’t happening helps me survive work when I have a job to do, or even when I’d driving because I need to be safe on the road. Talking with a therapist helps me encounter and be present in my very human experience.

When I’ve worked with people to make the connection to past losses, they started to see patterns they have used over the years. Sometimes those patterns worked, and we leaned into them. Sometimes the patterns weren’t as helpful, so we looked at how to avoid the same path a forge new ones. Nothing was lost, wrong, or invaluable – quite the opposite. It provided insight into where the person has been, where they might be now, and hope for the future.

Take a look at what you’ve experienced with past losses. You’ve survived them because you are here reading this message today! You just might be stronger than you think possible at this moment.

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The Darndest Things Will Make You Cry

I was thinking of the show “Kids Say the Darndest Things.” If you’re not familiar with the premise, the show’s host will talk to kids in a talkshow format, and you just wait for the child’s response. It’s usually quite humorous with a ring of truth that only a child could say.

Grief is a little like that – there are responses to words or situations that only we understand. Perhaps, only another in grief could understand. I recently experienced my own loss, and I also had my own “darndest moment.” I was getting my nails done when I flipped open the case on my phone to change the music. There was a strand of my dog’s fur on it. Without a thought, I blew on my phone to remove the fur and it flittered on to the table a short distance away. I stared at it and immediately regretted blowing it away. Lots of thoughts ran through my mind, but I couldn’t bear the thought that someone would wipe it away to clean the table and not understand the life that was attached in the growth of that one strand. I picked up, placed it back on my phone and began to cry while my nails were painted.

This will happen, and it’s okay. I let the people around me know that I had lost someone in my family recently, and I just had a memory pop up, but I was fine. I didn’t need to tell them more than that, and I didn’t want to be more vulnerable than that. I wasn’t driving at the time, but I have had moments where I need to pull over and let the emotions be recognized.

I’ve had people tell me that they feel stupid or dumb for these little things causing tears or intense grief to wash over. I want you to know it’s neither of these things, nor is it a negative thing to have happen. It’s the little things that make a relationship different from the other ones in your life. I only allow my dogs to lick my face – humans not permitted. Only my husband gets some of my jokes. Only a few friends get my love of food from Wisconsin. These are the things that make our connections unique, and the loss of them are worthy of note. They are worthy of the tears we shed. Other people do not have to be included into the weight of that unless we permit.

So, if you find yourself opening a can, watching a movie, or having your nails done and feel grief come up, please know you are not alone. It’s not silly – it’s a testament to the individuality of your relationship.

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Sharing your grief

I recently did a series on caring for others. This has prompted a long-term series on caring for yourself in the midst of grief. Grief can mean experiencing loss, but it can also mean anticipating or perceiving a loss. It could be a difficult diagnosis. There are many ways in which we experience the emotions of grief. My plan is to write as topics present themselves, so there is no set timeline on when these articles will be written.

The first topic I wanted to explore is sharing the information. I want to stress that your grief is your story, and only you decide who is welcome to know it… and when. There are some social constructs and there are some guides on this in terms of self-care, but in the end it is your story.

  1. Social media doesn’t have to know. Unless you need to use social media as a platform to raise funds, which sometimes happens, you don’t have to post anything there. I actually encourage people not to do it right away. Why? Social media invites conversation with anyone who sees the post. You deserve to have information and input from those who have expertise in the topic and people who will put your best interest first. Social media sometimes invites Dr. Google, Dr. Web M.D, Dr. Monday Morning – Quarterback, and a whole host of others who are not licensed to practice.
  2. Start with your inner circle. These are the people who are family or like family to you. These are the people who put your interests first. These are the people who want to hear from you personally, and you want to hear their voices while you go through “all the feels.” Telling them personally deepens your relationship at a time when relationship and feeling of being connected is so important.
  3. Trusted professionals. Google has lots of information out there – lots. Not all of it is reliable information. Speak with a professional in the field to know where the credible sources are instead of researching it on your own. If you must search, please know that sites with .edu and .gov are recommended places to start for trusted information. I have been tempted by the siren song of Google before, and my doctor has had to take the first few minutes of our appointment untangling the misinformation I received first. I highly recommend starting with the professionals first and avoiding the call of the siren.
  4. Take time for yourself. Our first reaction is generally, “I’m fine,” or “I’ll be fine.” Yes, you will be fine, but it’s okay not to be okay right now. This is why we are with professionals and our trusted inner circle. We don’t have to put on a mask, and we can just let the waves of feelings come at us. Pretending to be something we’re not (or feeling something we’re not) is exhausting, and it saps us of the strength we need to face what comes next. I have sent emails and text messages to let people know I have to break plans with them, and I briefly say why. I want them to know I’m not blowing them off, but I have something going on that requires some self-care and it’s important that I do it right now. Could I have gone to that meeting, class, or workshop? Sure. Right now, though, I need me time, and that’s okay.

    Remember, even on airplanes, we are reminded to put on our own oxygen masks before assisting others.
  5. Making it public. When you’re ready, go ahead and make it public – this also includes updates. When your inner circle knows, when you have plans in place, when you have solid information behind you – go ahead it make it known to others what is happening in your life. Most people will be supportive. Some will offer advice in that desire to be supportive, but you will be able to parcel what is good, unhelpful, and something to ask at your next appointment now.

#selfcare #grief #petloss