Category: Uncategorized

Posted on

Be honest with yourself

“I’m fine.”
“It doesn’t really bother me.”
“It’s not that big of a deal.”

This is what we say to others when they ask how we’re doing or bring up some aspect of our grief. There are as many reasons why we do this as there are available names for a baby (that’s a lot of reasons).

It could be that we’re conditioned to say we’re fine. “Pull yourself up by your bootstraps”, and “don’t be a burden to others” is very much ingrained in the American culture. We could also be trying to politely tell people we don’t want to get into the topic without actually saying it. We could be trying to convince ourselves that it really isn’t that big, or minimizing so it doesn’t hurt so bad if others tell us there are bigger worries out there.

There are things we choose to share with others, and it depends on the relationship we have with them, including trust level. No matter what you choose to share with others – tell yourself the truth. No one can find what they are looking for or need if they are surrounded only by lies and half-truths. If you hurt, acknowledge it. If you feel lost, acknowledge it. If you’re not fine, it’s okay to say so.

Your feelings are your own. No one gets to claim and name them but you. So, why not be honest with yourself. It’s the most straightforward path to knowing what you need for support. Sit in your car and talk it out. Cry in the shower. Write in a journal. Join a support group. Find a space where you can be honest with yourself, and see where it can take you.

Posted on

You don’t know what you don’t know

I recently watched one of my favorite series. I went all the way back to the pilot. I was so excited to be reunited with my favorite characters as they were figuring out who they were and where they were going. Everything was going great until they started making jokes. They must have been funny at the time; I remember laughing so hard in that first season – I kept watching throughout the series!

What changed? Well, I changed and society changed. The jokes made on the show were at someone’s expense in a way that is now out of step with cultural values. I also know so much more about myself, others, and how hurtful words can be. I’ve been the subject of jokes about who I am in a way that cut me to the quick. When I first watched that show, I didn’t know what I didn’t know. I don’t beat myself up over laughing back then, but I acknowledge it’s no longer funny.

Our grief is kind of like watching that pilot episode and reflecting back on memories. Many people look back to wonder what they did wrong, if the could have prevented the loss. While this is a normal response to loss and hurt, I’ve talked with many people who blame themselves for not knowing what they didn’t know. “If I had known this was a symptom of… I would have done…” Some take it a step further and turn that into negative self-talk and use it to measure their value as a person.

I encourage you to go back to a show or movie you loved 10, 20, heck 50 years ago. What do you notice about it now? What do you learn about how you’ve grown and how you’ve stayed the same. Now, apply that to your loss. You don’t have to go all in at once – start small. What did your pet teach you about love and joy? How far would you go for someone you love? What did you learn about routine and putting another’s needs first? Start there and see where it takes you. I am willing to bet you learned a lot along the way. Let go of what you didn’t know at the time, and be amazed at who you have become along the way. The you that you are becoming is beautiful.

Posted on

Entering the New Year with intention

There will be many firsts after losing a pet; one of those is crossing into the new year without them. How do we honor what has been, all while looking forward to what can be?

First, where you are is right where you need to be. So, where are you? Are you ready for a new pet or are you trying to soothe a spot that hurts? If the first, go ahead. If the latter, sit with this feeling a little longer. It’s okay to feel the pain. Honestly, it’s okay to feel whatever you’re feeling right now – it’s what makes you human, this huge array of overlapping emotions.

I would add to this – are you ready for change? Some people I’ve supported were not ready for change for quite some time. They just needed to feel what was happening now instead of making changes. I actually applaud this – it’s knowing who you are and what you need, with no apology necessary. If you feel ready for change… read on!

Where do you want to be? Don’t be vague with answers such as “I want to feel better.” What is better? How will you know you are? I would even go so far as to suggest making it a positive intention. “I want to smile at some point every day,” is stronger and healthier than “I want to cry less.” It’s leaning into where you want to go instead of leaning away instead of focusing on preventing a feeling – it’s like building instead of taking away.

Set reminders in your calendar and your phone. Surprisingly, this can really help reflect on where you’ve been and where you’re going. Think you’re ready for a new pet but want to give it a little while? Put a note in for 2-6 months from now saying “How do I feel about another pet today?” Thinking about giving away items like beds and toys? “Do I feel ready to part with [pet’s] items?”

Why do this? When we write things down, our brains don’t have to work so hard to remember them. (Think about how many phone numbers you used to know by memory and how many you know now!) This gives our brains some rest – knowing the question will come around again in due time.

Whatever you chose to do – do it with the intention of healing. Do it because it honors your pet. Do it because it connects you with others. Do it because it ignites a flame/light within you. That flame never really went out – it conserved energy for when the time is right to glow bright again.

Posted on

Why do the holidays seem so hard?

I’ve worked with several people for 3 years+, and while most of the time they believe they have can manage their grief, the holidays seem really difficult. They wonder if they are going “backwards” or starting from square one again.

I like to think of it as the gap between the academic years in school. Remember every September when you went back to school, and you’d sit in class thinking, “I know I learned this, but I can’t remember it.”? The teacher would backtrack a little, offer a reminder, and then the class would start to build on from that.

Holiday grief is a little like summer break and the . It’s a time of year that is relatively short but distinct from the rest of the year. For most of the year, we have an opportunity to learn about our loss and grief. We build day-by-day upon the lessons from the previous days and weeks. We learn how to manage without our loved one and make meaning in our lives. Then the holidays show up and last about 50 days. The sights, sounds, and smells are different from the rest of the year. We see trees, candles, and lights on houses. We smell pine and special baked goods handed down through generations. Even the songs we hear on the radio and in stores are different – for better or worse. We are suddenly transported back to a time when our loved one was near… and there’s limited time to navigate this differently marked grief before returning to ordinary life.

There is nothing wrong with you. You are not losing your mind. You are having a very normal and human response to grief. This is the time to find a support group and reach out to friends. Share your story and your longing. Your grief is normal and understandable and still deserves to be honored.

Posted on

Don’t minimize your love

“This might sound silly, but…”
“I know it’s stupid, but…”
“I don’t know if this is normal, but…”

Most of the time, minimization starts with a put down and goes into a “but.” I hear this often with clients. They even apologize for crying. It’s a typical reaction, but why has this become part of our cultural norm?

I think it’s because we’re already hurting, and we want to protect ourselves from further harm. If I say my emotions are silly, it won’t hurt so much if someone else says it or confirms that feeling. Right? If I apologize for crying, the person near me might not feel so uncomfortable and possibly leave me all alone in this pain.

Stop apologizing. Stop minimizing.

Our emotions are an important part of our humanity. Everyone, and I do mean everyone, experiences grief. It’s a deep expression of how much love permeated this life. Have you ever seen the ground after a plant or tree has been removed? When a plant is removed, like a single flower, the ground is upturned and clearly disturbed. When a tree is removed, the root system is pulled through the earth from great depths, and it looks like a scar that could never possibly heal. The deeper the root system, the more the absence is noted – the deeper the love connection, the more the grief may be felt.

But, much like the scar of removing a tree, healing does come. One of the healing methods that helps is the rain that falls. It softens the ground so the healing properties may ignite. Our tears are the rain of our soul. We need them to tend our inner garden. It ignites parts of our brain we know and are still trying to understand. It’s cathartic. You will not drown in it.

So, stop apologizing for being human. Stop minimizing a love that meant so much to you. If others don’t understand what it’s like to be loved by an animal, they are the ones who have missed out. Find others who do understand. A love like that deserves to be felt fully.